i just clicked out of my zoom therapy and tarynn and i decided i have some grieving to do. no one died, except for me, kinda.
as you may know, i was a deeply religious child. obsessed with god, clinically addicted, couldn’t get enough of the stuff, etc. i pivoted around age 20 to full time homosexuality (with some relapses), and had to leave my old life behind.
there are so many 12 step programs it’s insane to me there isn’t JA (jesus anonymous). the things i’ve seen would haunt you!
some of my favorite childhood memories revolve around mind control tactics.
at church camp, which i frequented every summer from ages 8-18, we had dance night, which was a night where we all got dressed up in crazy whacky outfits, fled to the tennis courts at night, and learned choreographed dances with a christian centered narrative to the top 3 hits of the summer. the rest of the week when the songs played, we’d break into an evangelical flash mob to the tune of “out of the woods” by taylor swift. when our parents picked us up we even performed it for them as a way to say “we got their asses, dont worry about them having an unconventional future!” my mom couldn’t have been happier.
the idea is that when you hear the songs in real life after this (and honey you will— HEY Geronimo is inescapable) it is supposed to remind you of God and your experiences at camp. that way you can never escape!!!
it’s giving…. zoolander.
at the time i found this idea endearing. like yeah god is everywhere! he’s in the car, he’s sitting in my lap, he’s shaking his little ghost ass in my face and i’m lapping it up like a cat drinks milk. but now it is a bittersweet reminder of the conditioning i experienced as a child and the grief i feel for shutting off the door to these experiences i deemed as beautiful, and the community i spent my entire life building.
there were of course indicators that this righteous life wasn’t going to be for me forever. one summer at camp the 21 year old van driver taking us to surf at 5 am began a discussion with us about gay rights. his line was as classic as the california night is cold—
“love the sinner hate the sin”
like ok… anal sex? you hate anal sex? you’re a cop. he explained how he can love gay people and also disagree in the need for a “pride parade”. he used the example of people with anger issues— they wouldn’t have a parade to celebrate their anger would they? that just wouldn’t make sense. in my 14 year old brain i was trying to sort out of he was making points or just being a full on homophobe. it didn’t help that he was exactly what i was conditioned to be attracted to— blonde, blue eyes, lived by the beach but was a republican.
it’s strange though— even in the deepest trenches of teenaged christianity i always remained a strong “ally”, always advocating for gay rights whenever it would come up (thanksgiving, christmas, making a PSA for my 7th grade english class on gay marriage, etc.) and told this guy he was wrong! gay people should have a parade
1. because it’s fun and
2. because being gay is not the same as being angry!
but i am sort of in this moment, being both very gay and very angry.
somewhere deep down i knew i was different, and it felt like a ticking time bomb in my chest for the day i’d have to confront my sexuality and find a new life. the bomb went off when i got to college and discovered beautiful brunette bisexuals and simultaneously that every church i’d ever been a part of participated in minor to major homophobic activity.
i had it all planned out— but we make plans and god laughs. i just never thought he’d laugh at the plans i’d made for us. no more sunday mornings, pamphlets to doodle on, powdered lemonade, powdered donuts.
it feels like i jumped the gun with a new lover and planned a trip to paris— then we broke up. what about the baguettes sticking out of our totes? splitting a pain au chocolat under the tower? sunbathing by the seine? i always thought i’d have god on my side. then we have to break up because “i’m gay” ??
my sister is getting straight married next summer and seeing the millennial calligraphy carved into a bottle opener asking my brother to be a groomsmen from a former college baseball player is really throwing me off. my brother, a groomsman? my sister, a bride? me… being asked to dye my hair back to blonde for the ceremony?
this was the life i wanted, i was spoon fed it for so long. what’s the point of it all— church camp, greek life, working in finance at 23? it’s pushing the straight agenda so far down our throats we forget what it felt like without a dick in there. OH MY GOD I CAN SPEAK AND I HAVE OPINIONS! it’s society’s way of keeping women out of the arts and out of bar bathroom stalls with women who look like men. but getting married to your first girlfriend you met in middle school when you’re 25? honey that shit isn’t NATURAL! im scared!!!!
as much as i can hate, there’s definitely a pang of jealousy and sadness as i’m really mourning this life i thought i was going to have. a house by a lake i can’t swim in and a country club i can’t wear jeans to, naming my 4 kids after herbs and doing it in missionary and the other one.
i love my life and i truly wouldn’t change a thing. I feel so loved and taken care of by my new community— but i am also grieving the life i had planned for me and that crazy guy god. i wanted paris, i wanted first class, international. i wanted the body and the blood and i wanted to eat it with cured ham and fig jam.
pussy booger i wore the weirdest thong to chappell roan and ran into everyone on my bike of course it matches my tights and hair do not act surprised a girl like me could lift herself out from underneath the SUV named aritzia in order to walk the hallowed halls of the bushwick L Train i didn’t choose this life if everything had gone to plan i would happily be straight married living in santa cruz with my blonde husband trevor and our three blonde surfer babies all also named trevor but you make plans and god laughs and boy did he he laughed a mighty chuckle as he sent me gay thoughts and feelings, an unquenchable thirst for crafts and a need to write poems for the internet he gave a hearty guffaw as i slowly descended from golden child to black sheep slipping into the humid night air destransitioning from ghost to girl god i wish i could be blonde for you and stand there in charlotte tilbury tears holding your bouquet but my neck is bleached blue there’s also a me its not just you vegan beans my friend syd tells me youth is wasted on the young she’s 32 she’s the only married person i’m not scared for she has a husband and an obsession with beans yet she inspires me don’t give those monsters your money we say about the fringe tops and chunky costume jewelry it’s so hipster it’s contrived i just found out my therapists instagram is @ your hipster therapist but last week we had a break through she told me her big three i’m trying to be the young the youth isn’t wasted on eating eggless microwaved pumpkin chocolate chip muffins at 1 am, letting gay boys in school girl skirts grind on me to shania twain, listening to the faucet drip and wondering how long we’ll get to do this before it’s ketchup and black boards you know if you squint the tinfoil looks like a disco ball you're like swimming we've cleared the seagulls i've ran and you've said something stern all the coney island crepes are eaten and we're on the same tiltawhirl worlds apart maybe we ran away where adults weren't us and we could play and the clouds come in and they rain on our fun you feel like swimming you feel like the sun
that’s it! i love you. please come to my solo show on november 18 at purgatory!!
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if you’re my grandpa or someone who knows my dad, i am absolutely fine! the worst thing i will do with my big feelings is buy another poofy skirt that’s inappropriate for the weather, writing is how i process my life. i love you and feel free to reply directly to this email and write to me anything you feel.
xoxo,
gossip squirrel
aka the town cryer
aka brooke :)
Love the sinner hate the sin!! I'm saying likeeee